Tuesday is better than Monday. I feel numb all day. I don't know how to express this feeling. Sometimes I am silent and slighty smile and feel okay when people hug me and tell me they are sorry for me and other times I cry. This is hard. I am still so mixed up in my emotions and trusting the Lord to help me grieve.
I know how to grieve for the loss of relatives. I know how to grieve when I was rejected by my parents. But I don't know how to grieve for the loss of my own baby. I know not everyone grieve the same way because we are all made differently. Perhaps it is because my calling is to preserve LIFE.
It is hard because I work in the ministry that tries to save the unborn. We interceed for those who have no voice. I work with clients who are pregnant. Some may even be due in the month of September. I work with customers who are thrilled with new babies coming into their lives. I am happy for them and congratulate them. I know now how precious life really is so I rejoice for LIFE with them.
It is hard when they ask me how I am doing. I don't know how to share with them how I really feel. Again I just feel numb. I feel broken and humbled to walk in this.
I went in for my blood work and of course they had to poke me twice. I am terrified of needles so I tried really hard to squeeze out a little bit of blood for them to make sure I will be okay again. Now my arm is sore and bruised. I am to return next week for more lab work. I pray that my body will get back to normal again.
I received lots of hug today. My Pastor came by my store to pray with me. I needed that. He just lost his mother in December and I know it was painful for him too to share with me and encouraged me. I love my Pastor & his wife for their geniune hearts. My mother-in-law came to see me after work with hugs and flowers. She knows I love flowers, especially calli lillies. It helped because Allison loved the flowers too and claimed they were for her and I believe that's true. She needs some colors to brighten her day as well. A friend gave me a book with beautiful pictures of angelic looking babies.
Danner came home with a box for Jacob. It is so tiny! I know he is in Heaven with the Lord and what's here will turn to ashes. We will bury him together and spend sometime praying for each other. We will be picking out a plant for memorance. It is strange to believe that Danner and I are parents of two. We love him already!! (sorry this is such random thoughts, but this is how I'm feeling).
We are blessed with the beautiful Allison. She is our joy! She makes life better! She gives me hope!
Tuesday, January 25
Monday, January 24
"JACOB"
Friday morning of January 14 Danner and I were so thrilled to be parents again! We could hardly contain our joy and excitement and wanted to tell the whole world about our baby coming September 11th. However, we felt like we needed to wait a while longer to announce it publicly. We only told a few close friends so they can pray with us and share our joy. That was the same week I caught the flu and sinus infection. I was miserable for a week and was so weak. The Lord healed me quickly and I was so happy for that although my cough remained.
The entire time I was looking forwad to telling everyone about our new baby and was thinking of ways to announce our news. I just felt so connected with the baby and I just grew so much love for Allison (more than I knew I could love a person). Then I felt something went wrong Tuesday evening of the 18th but disregarded as cramping due to implantation. Wednesday came along and I went to New Beginnings Pregnancy Services, my work place, for an ultrasound because the ladies there are so thrilled for me (yes, they were the few that we told). During the u/s session the nurse couldn't find a the gestational sac. But she assured me that we're probably a few weeks earlier than expected and that she would do another u/s in a few weeks to see. I felt it was okay but I had that nagging feeling that something was wrong. I came home and days following I continued to have light spotting. Danner reassured me that everything was going to be okay, but I didn't feel okay.
Monday of January 24th I found out that I had miscarried the baby. Danner and I cried together in disbelief. We're still crying about when we are together and talking about it. It is good that we are talking about it because it helps me grieve. Although we never told Allison about the baby since we didn't want to tell everyone too early, however, she knew that she was getting a little brother so she tells everyone anyway. We just laughed about it even though we wanted to agree with her many times. She came to me with her arms wide open asking me to pick her up this morning and I did. She told me "I really liked that baby." Oh, it hurts!! It hurts because she knew and she was right!! So I told her that her baby brother went to Heaven to be with Jesus and our Papa. She is still trying to wrap her mind around this but she's only three years old and we'll explain to her more as she gets older.
We told members of our families and it was hard. We still have the baby and we will bury him together. We know the Lord is good and faithful until the end. He has our baby now and is taking good care of him for us. We look forward to the day we meet "Jacob" in heaven along with those we love! I know some may question how do I know it was a boy. I know because the Lord revealed this to me. I had seen a glimpse of my son before I even knew I was pregnant. I just knew! The knowlege that goes beyond understanding and explaination. Danner told me that the Lord will name our baby for us so I asked what his name would be. Immediately I heard "JACOB" so I shared with Danner about it and he agreed with me.
I know that this is the season that Danner and I must lean in on one another to go through this together. I ask the Lord to give us strength to love one and other; that He would grow deep roots in our marriage. I love this man so much and couldn't imagine going through this with another person.
"Blessed are those that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
The entire time I was looking forwad to telling everyone about our new baby and was thinking of ways to announce our news. I just felt so connected with the baby and I just grew so much love for Allison (more than I knew I could love a person). Then I felt something went wrong Tuesday evening of the 18th but disregarded as cramping due to implantation. Wednesday came along and I went to New Beginnings Pregnancy Services, my work place, for an ultrasound because the ladies there are so thrilled for me (yes, they were the few that we told). During the u/s session the nurse couldn't find a the gestational sac. But she assured me that we're probably a few weeks earlier than expected and that she would do another u/s in a few weeks to see. I felt it was okay but I had that nagging feeling that something was wrong. I came home and days following I continued to have light spotting. Danner reassured me that everything was going to be okay, but I didn't feel okay.
Monday of January 24th I found out that I had miscarried the baby. Danner and I cried together in disbelief. We're still crying about when we are together and talking about it. It is good that we are talking about it because it helps me grieve. Although we never told Allison about the baby since we didn't want to tell everyone too early, however, she knew that she was getting a little brother so she tells everyone anyway. We just laughed about it even though we wanted to agree with her many times. She came to me with her arms wide open asking me to pick her up this morning and I did. She told me "I really liked that baby." Oh, it hurts!! It hurts because she knew and she was right!! So I told her that her baby brother went to Heaven to be with Jesus and our Papa. She is still trying to wrap her mind around this but she's only three years old and we'll explain to her more as she gets older.
We told members of our families and it was hard. We still have the baby and we will bury him together. We know the Lord is good and faithful until the end. He has our baby now and is taking good care of him for us. We look forward to the day we meet "Jacob" in heaven along with those we love! I know some may question how do I know it was a boy. I know because the Lord revealed this to me. I had seen a glimpse of my son before I even knew I was pregnant. I just knew! The knowlege that goes beyond understanding and explaination. Danner told me that the Lord will name our baby for us so I asked what his name would be. Immediately I heard "JACOB" so I shared with Danner about it and he agreed with me.
I know that this is the season that Danner and I must lean in on one another to go through this together. I ask the Lord to give us strength to love one and other; that He would grow deep roots in our marriage. I love this man so much and couldn't imagine going through this with another person.
"Blessed are those that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Tuesday, January 18
Tru Evelyn
January 18th - A dear friend and neighbor gave birth to her daughter - Tru Evelyn. She was 10 lbs 0z and 21 inches long. No wonder her labor took so long and took an entire facebook community on our seats waiting for the arrival of this baby. Tabbitha did not find out the baby's gender so it was a complete surprise! This is their fifth baby and they're so overwhelmed with love, joy, and humble hearts.
I truly admire Tabbitha for all that she is! She loves God first of all and she loves all her children. She carries her motherhood mantel so well. I'm delighted to learn from her.
I am honestly nervous about this new season the Lord is allowing me to step into. So much in store ahead of us. Possible new career for Danner. Allison's now taking gymnastic lessons. I am still with New Beginnings and trusting the Lord to lead my life and calling in the ministry.
God is so good when we trust in Him with all our hearts, souls, and minds.
I truly admire Tabbitha for all that she is! She loves God first of all and she loves all her children. She carries her motherhood mantel so well. I'm delighted to learn from her.
I am honestly nervous about this new season the Lord is allowing me to step into. So much in store ahead of us. Possible new career for Danner. Allison's now taking gymnastic lessons. I am still with New Beginnings and trusting the Lord to lead my life and calling in the ministry.
God is so good when we trust in Him with all our hearts, souls, and minds.
Sunday, January 16
Season of Labor
January 14th a friend from John Brown University gave birth to a healthy baby boy and everything about him is perfect. I loved seeing all of the new pictures posted on Facebook. I'm so thankful for LIFE!!
This evening I received an email from a church friend/neighbor informing us that she's starting her labor and it could be midnight tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm thankful I'm asked to pray for her labor and delivery. It is such a wonderful privilege to be ask to pray and anticipate with those who are bringing new life into the world. I'm so thankful for my friend and the way the Lord weaved us all together. I am along with many others are waiting for every Facebook update or email so we can know what she's having! Yes, she really went through the entire nine months without knowing her baby's gender. They're leaving it as a complete surprise. I want that for myself but I'm not sure if I can take not knowing.
There are several friends on Facebook that are expecting too. One just completed her first 20 weeks! Wow, I'm so amazed at us all and how we all grow in different season. What a blessing to watch all of this unfold.
Father, thank You for new life! Thank You for blessing each and everyone of these women who had brought life, carrying life in their womb, and laboring. I ask that You would encounter each of them right where they are. One might be nursing, one might be trying to get some sleep before the next sleepless wave hit, one might be experiencing birth pangs right now. Would You put Your hands over them and give them peace, Father. The peace that goes beyond understanding and only comes from You. Let them feel Your infinite love, Jesus, as they are embracing the task You've given them. Amen.
This evening I received an email from a church friend/neighbor informing us that she's starting her labor and it could be midnight tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm thankful I'm asked to pray for her labor and delivery. It is such a wonderful privilege to be ask to pray and anticipate with those who are bringing new life into the world. I'm so thankful for my friend and the way the Lord weaved us all together. I am along with many others are waiting for every Facebook update or email so we can know what she's having! Yes, she really went through the entire nine months without knowing her baby's gender. They're leaving it as a complete surprise. I want that for myself but I'm not sure if I can take not knowing.
There are several friends on Facebook that are expecting too. One just completed her first 20 weeks! Wow, I'm so amazed at us all and how we all grow in different season. What a blessing to watch all of this unfold.
Father, thank You for new life! Thank You for blessing each and everyone of these women who had brought life, carrying life in their womb, and laboring. I ask that You would encounter each of them right where they are. One might be nursing, one might be trying to get some sleep before the next sleepless wave hit, one might be experiencing birth pangs right now. Would You put Your hands over them and give them peace, Father. The peace that goes beyond understanding and only comes from You. Let them feel Your infinite love, Jesus, as they are embracing the task You've given them. Amen.
Saturday, January 15
T'is the season for sneezing
I'm so thankful our family hadn't had any major sickness the past year. The Lord has been protecting us from harm. He is so good to His children. I came home from work on Tuesday and everything was fine until late that evening I started to feel crummy. Then Wednesday morning was a full blown of sneezing, achiness, coughing, headache, dehydration, sore throat and ear ache. I thought if I could give myself sometime to rest on Wednesday, which thankfully was my day off, so I slept for a long time and felt a little better.
I had promised Allison I was taking her to her first gymnastic lesson/sign up. I felt really bad then but I felt even worse if I couldn't keep my promise so I mustered up all my strength to pick her up at our Mema's house (her great-grandma) and got her there early to sign her up. Changed her out of her thick clothes to gym clothes. My little baby is no longer a baby that day as she sat down among her class mates and listened attentively to their teacher. I sat on the chairs and couldn't help myself to keep switching to different seats so I can see her better. Finally I got up on the second level to observe. She was so precious to me! I love my baby so much! She did the best she could since it was her first lesson but she enjoyed it thoroughly. At the end she got a stamped star on her hand and refused to let me hold that hand because she was afraid it was going to be ruined.
We got home, I made dinner for us and ate together. Then I gave her a bath because she skipped nap that afternoon. She was worried about her star on hand getting wet because she wanted Daddy to see it. So I asked her wait as I ran to grab the camera. When I got back she had already poured water on her hand and the star was vanishing before our eyes. Oops! I reassured her that she'll get another star next time she goes. She was happy about that. After a nice bath I got her ready for the evening. We read a story, snuggled for a while and then she settled in.
I began to feel worsen that evening that I emailed in to work letting everyone know I was sick with a cold and needed their prayers. I was so sick on Thursday and thankful that Danner was home all day to take care of me and Allison. He's such a good husband and Daddy. My condition worsen Thursday night. I couldn't sleep because of the coughing, nasal and throat burn everytime I swallow. Kept drinking ice-water and having to get up to use the bathroom.
Friday morning I gave in and asked if we could schedule an appointment to see the doctor so Danner set that up for me. Because he had to leave for work at 3pm I had to drive myself to the doctor's office while he dropped Allison off at the in-laws for the weekend. There at the doctors office they diagnosed me with a sinus infection with fluid behind my ear that caused my balance to be all over the place. Then Danner came to join me in the doctor's office before he had to leave for work. I asked the doctor if it's not the flu, and he wasn't sure as I was still running a fever. So he thought we should take a test anyway. Turned out I was right. I had the flu! To top that off I had the sinus infection too.
I came home without filling the prescription because I was so exhausted. Last night I slept really well without waking up to drink water and my nasal passage and throat didn't bother me as much and coughing wasn't as frequent. This morning I woke up and started coughing up stuff. This means everything is draining from my sinus. My achiness is gone and I'm feeling a lot better. Probably 60% better. Just want the rest of me to full recovered. Since I didn't fill my prescription and my body is recovering that means my body is beating the virus and infection on its own. I love it when our body just mend itself. Of course, I'm sure with many prayer warriors I have around me, no wonder I'm feeling better!
I'm thankful for Jesus today! For my husband who is so patience with me and takes good care of me and Allison. For my in-laws who took care of Allison while I'm under the weather and preventing her from catching the crud too. Now I'm going back to resting before Danner and Allison come home. I miss spending time with favorite two people! I've been pushing them away, especially Allison because I didn't want her to catch it too. I feel bad but I know it's better for her.
I had promised Allison I was taking her to her first gymnastic lesson/sign up. I felt really bad then but I felt even worse if I couldn't keep my promise so I mustered up all my strength to pick her up at our Mema's house (her great-grandma) and got her there early to sign her up. Changed her out of her thick clothes to gym clothes. My little baby is no longer a baby that day as she sat down among her class mates and listened attentively to their teacher. I sat on the chairs and couldn't help myself to keep switching to different seats so I can see her better. Finally I got up on the second level to observe. She was so precious to me! I love my baby so much! She did the best she could since it was her first lesson but she enjoyed it thoroughly. At the end she got a stamped star on her hand and refused to let me hold that hand because she was afraid it was going to be ruined.
We got home, I made dinner for us and ate together. Then I gave her a bath because she skipped nap that afternoon. She was worried about her star on hand getting wet because she wanted Daddy to see it. So I asked her wait as I ran to grab the camera. When I got back she had already poured water on her hand and the star was vanishing before our eyes. Oops! I reassured her that she'll get another star next time she goes. She was happy about that. After a nice bath I got her ready for the evening. We read a story, snuggled for a while and then she settled in.
I began to feel worsen that evening that I emailed in to work letting everyone know I was sick with a cold and needed their prayers. I was so sick on Thursday and thankful that Danner was home all day to take care of me and Allison. He's such a good husband and Daddy. My condition worsen Thursday night. I couldn't sleep because of the coughing, nasal and throat burn everytime I swallow. Kept drinking ice-water and having to get up to use the bathroom.
Friday morning I gave in and asked if we could schedule an appointment to see the doctor so Danner set that up for me. Because he had to leave for work at 3pm I had to drive myself to the doctor's office while he dropped Allison off at the in-laws for the weekend. There at the doctors office they diagnosed me with a sinus infection with fluid behind my ear that caused my balance to be all over the place. Then Danner came to join me in the doctor's office before he had to leave for work. I asked the doctor if it's not the flu, and he wasn't sure as I was still running a fever. So he thought we should take a test anyway. Turned out I was right. I had the flu! To top that off I had the sinus infection too.
I came home without filling the prescription because I was so exhausted. Last night I slept really well without waking up to drink water and my nasal passage and throat didn't bother me as much and coughing wasn't as frequent. This morning I woke up and started coughing up stuff. This means everything is draining from my sinus. My achiness is gone and I'm feeling a lot better. Probably 60% better. Just want the rest of me to full recovered. Since I didn't fill my prescription and my body is recovering that means my body is beating the virus and infection on its own. I love it when our body just mend itself. Of course, I'm sure with many prayer warriors I have around me, no wonder I'm feeling better!
I'm thankful for Jesus today! For my husband who is so patience with me and takes good care of me and Allison. For my in-laws who took care of Allison while I'm under the weather and preventing her from catching the crud too. Now I'm going back to resting before Danner and Allison come home. I miss spending time with favorite two people! I've been pushing them away, especially Allison because I didn't want her to catch it too. I feel bad but I know it's better for her.
Tuesday, January 11
Simply Happy
My heart is happy. The Lord healed my back on New Year's Eve in Kansas City, MO when I was among 20k people worshiping Him. He gave me dreams and gifts. I was among thousand of Asians and we were all prayed for. A lady prayed for me and I'm sure unbeknownst to her that her prayer was a confirmation to what the Lord is calling us into - mission to Vietnam!!!
More details later!
More details later!
Friday, January 7
Happy Anniversary to Us!!!
Today Danner and I are celebrating our five years of marriage!!!! Praise the Lord for walking with us through our fiery tests and trials and blessed us with so many things - our Daughter Allison especially!! This morning she came running into our room, climbing on our bed and greeting us with a huge smile on her facing knowing nothing about our anniversary. I watched my husband smiling at her and studying her every move because he is so in love with her as well. I'm so thankful for such a loving husband and beautiful daughter to have and to hold.
The Lord has been faithful and good to our family. This is a BIG stepping stone for our family. We're ready for a new season that's in store for us!
Happy 2011!!!!!!
The Lord has been faithful and good to our family. This is a BIG stepping stone for our family. We're ready for a new season that's in store for us!
Happy 2011!!!!!!
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