This is Hard

Tuesday is better than Monday. I feel numb all day. I don't know how to express this feeling. Sometimes I am silent and slighty smile and feel okay when people hug me and tell me they are sorry for me and other times I cry. This is hard. I am still so mixed up in my emotions and trusting the Lord to help me grieve.

I know how to grieve for the loss of relatives. I know how to grieve when I was rejected by my parents. But I don't know how to grieve for the loss of my own baby. I know not everyone grieve the same way because we are all made differently. Perhaps it is because my calling is to preserve LIFE.

It is hard because I work in the ministry that tries to save the unborn. We interceed for those who have no voice. I work with clients who are pregnant. Some may even be due in the month of September. I work with customers who are thrilled with new babies coming into their lives. I am happy for them and congratulate them. I know now how precious life really is so I rejoice for LIFE with them.

It is hard when they ask me how I am doing. I don't know how to share with them how I really feel. Again I just feel numb. I feel broken and humbled to walk in this.

I went in for my blood work and of course they had to poke me twice. I am terrified of needles so I tried really hard to squeeze out a little bit of blood for them to make sure I will be okay again. Now my arm is sore and bruised. I am to return next week for more lab work. I pray that my body will get back to normal again.

I received lots of hug today. My Pastor came by my store to pray with me. I needed that. He just lost his mother in December and I know it was painful for him too to share with me and encouraged me. I love my Pastor & his wife for their geniune hearts. My mother-in-law came to see me after work with hugs and flowers. She knows I love flowers, especially calli lillies. It helped because Allison loved the flowers too and claimed they were for her and I believe that's true. She needs some colors to brighten her day as well. A friend gave me a book with beautiful pictures of angelic looking babies.

Danner came home with a box for Jacob. It is so tiny! I know he is in Heaven with the Lord and what's here will turn to ashes. We will bury him together and spend sometime praying for each other. We will be picking out a plant for memorance. It is strange to believe that Danner and I are parents of two. We love him already!! (sorry this is such random thoughts, but this is how I'm feeling).

We are blessed with the beautiful Allison. She is our joy! She makes life better! She gives me hope!