Journaling

I have given up journaling since Allison turned one. I bought myself a really cute journal to record my pregnancy and later added an embelsishment on the front cover that says, "Expect Mirracles" because at my six weeks I had to go the emergency room due to bleeding and other symptoms. When I got the emergency room they told me that I was having a miscarriage and there wasn't anything they could do for me so they made me wait for four hours in the waiting room while they let a guy with a cold in hours before me. It was a very hard time for me of not knowing how to feel whether I need to accept that I was loosing my baby or that I need to cling on to the fact the baby was safe.

Finally I was admitted and after dozen of times they tried to hook me up to an iv and I was already terrified of needles. They got an ultrasound specialist to come see me and she was extremely rude. It was then I realized how much Danner was hurting and wanting the baby that everything inside me prayed for the baby to be safe. The entire time I didn't know what to look for as it was my first ultrasound. Then the tech said, "looks like there's heart blinking on the screen." And Danner agreed with her. They both saw it at the same time and I totally missed it. The tech had to show me again so I can see my baby's heart beats. It was amazing and it was a miracle I was expecting. After 8 hours spent at the hospital, we walked away knowing that our baby was safe. I often wondered if I was carrying twins and lost one of our precious babies.

Since then I recorded every ups and downs with the pregnancy along with the joy of being a mom and the struggles and fear of the uncertainties. When Allison was born I kept journaling all her Firsts. My last entry was her one year birthday and it was fun and emotional at the same time. I hope that my journal will be a treasure for her someday that serves as a reminder of how much she was loved and wanted since the Lord formed her in my womb.

"For Thou form my inward parts: Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to Thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:13-14